How can you say that God is good?

Is God good when it seems like injustice reigns in our lives and throughout the entire world?

When life is unfair and unbearable, in loneliness and betrayal?

What about when life is overshadowed by pain and confusion?

Is He good when good things are taken away from us? 

Even in the darkness, when questions go unanswered?

Is God good during times I'm not meant to understand?

Is. God. good?

-

I've spent countless sleepless nights asking myself these questions, entirely unsure if there was even a God to hear me or to answer my wandering thoughts. And time after time, as I've demanded to know why things happen the way they do, he deems it just to kneel and needlessly answer me. The fact that God, my creator, savior, and sustainer, has revealed himself to me is one I cannot fully wrap my head around. Why would I even believe in God? It's much easier to reject all notions of God than place faith in and surrender to something we cannot see. It's much easier to reject a supposedly "good" God when there's seemingly no good to be seen. 

Where is the good in pain and suffering? In injustice? In death? There is so much wrong and hurt in this world. How can you say that God is good? 

-

I can say that God is still good because though I mourn when I see injustice, I know that this aching world is pointing to a day of judgment, when justice will be brought forth.

I can say that God is still good through loneliness, because he has brought me through it before.

I can say that God is still good even though life seems to be a nightmare and whirlwind of confusion, because I know that's not the end for me.

I can say that God is still good even when he takes things from me, because I know that they were never mine to begin with.

I can say that God is still good even in the darkness, because he walks me through each bitter step.

I can say that God is still good even when I don't understand, because his plan for me is far better than anything I could imagine.

I can only say these things because I have tasted and seen that God has been good to me amidst times of pain and hurting as well as times of joy. He deigns to grant me breath at every moment.

Who am I to question God's goodness? Can the created speak out against its creator? I speak for myself; I will never grasp why God does what he does. As for what he chooses to reveal, I'll get it when I get it.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

- Isaiah 55:8-9

Life Is

a whirlwind. a maelstrom of wrong and right,
right and wrong, sometimes just wrong.

unfair. unjust.
unwelcome as the newborn cries in the night.

painful. regret that won't leave. memories that sting. laughter that once warmed that now kills.

understood. misunderstood. broken. perfect. almost.

foolishness. wisdom. silence. silence. silence.

an ever-flowing tide of nonsense and beauty--
all at once.

quiet. still. solitary tears. silent weeping. broken smiles. forced smiles.

and yet, somehow, so beautiful.

frustratingly worth living.

Can I be a little honest here?

Maybe here, I won't be judged as harshly. Maybe here, I won't be subjected to the ever-scrutinizing eyes of those around me. Maybe here, I can pour my heart out somewhere where words seem to matter a little more. 

I'm kind of really tired. Tired of isolation, tired of pretending, tired of smiles, tired of never-ending work. There's nothing more that I want than to step away from it all.

God, hold me. Sustain me. I need you now more than ever.

"New Year, New Me"

hah.
hahhaha.

hahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahah

but really.

ha

Restoration: I can't wait.

The hope of the Gospel is twofold- a truth I seldom ponder. Not only have sinners been redeemed by the blood of Christ... we have been promised a holy and whole resurrection. When Christ returns, all that has been lost will be restored. The broken and the defiled will be fixed and be cleansed. And we will stand before a holy God as children would before a loving Father or as bitter enemies. Justice will reign, and it will be both glorious and terrible as judgment will be passed on all of humanity. But those who have the hope of salvation in Jesus Christ will be saved from an eternity of judgment and pain; they will be ushered into the loving presence of the almighty God, forever glorifying His name.

Of this, I am unashamed. This world brings its worries and cares, its pain and deceit. I cannot wait for the restoration of this life. I can't wait for Christ to make all things new.

I can take hope-- well-needed and timely hope.
This promise is too real, too good to be kept from being known:

And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” 

Revelations 21:5a

This Isn't Home

Just a speck

The more I see of the world around me, the more I realize how truly small I am. And honestly, I think I'm okay with that.